


You are Perfect, I Promise

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [9]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Body Dysmorphia, Bulimia, Chan's PoV, Depression, Eating Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Masterbation, Open Ending, Purging, Second POV, inner thoughts, mild soft smut, thoughts of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-04 16:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18346952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: You are a rapper. A singer. A dancer. A producer. A leader.You are hideous. Fat. Worthless. Unlovable.You are Bang Chan of Stray Kids, and you can't for the life of you understand how anyone could love you.





	1. Chapter 1

You stare at yourself in the mirror. You can hear the others behind you, moving around and chatting during your break, but your eyes are glued to your own reflection. God you were disgusting.

The fans said you were handsome. You saw them blowing up Twitter after you lifted you shirt on stage. When you see them talking about you, for a brief moment your self loathing disappears. For a little while, you actually feel handsome. You think maybe - just maybe - Stays are right. You ARE handsome. You ARE beautiful.

Then you look at yourself in the mirror and realize they’re lying to you.

“Chan hyung, we’re going to lunch,” Jisung came over and put a hand on your shoulder. You jumped at the sudden contact, not realizing the younger rapper had snuck up on you. “I suggested that place you like.”

“I’m not hungry Sunngie, thanks though,” You said, not looking at him. You were lying. You were starving. “I’ll hit the gym for a bit while you’re out.”

“Hyung, it’s time to eat.” Jisung said, his eyes hardening. He knew. He didn’t want to say anything outright, because you were still his hyung and his leader, but he knew. You hated that he knew.

“Jisung-”

“You don’t have to eat a lot,” He said softly, so no one other than you could hear. “Just a little bit.”

You hesitated but quickly relented. You were so weak when it came to your boys. You could never say no to them. They were your life, and seeing them so much as frown killed you more than your own thoughts ever could.

You let Jisung pull you over to the others, where they were waiting by the door. You didn’t want to eat, but seeing Jisung’s bright smile almost made it worth it.

That night you spent three hours at the gym when you said you were working on songs.

* * *

  
You knew it was bad. You did. You really did. But it made you feel better, so it couldn’t have been that bad, right?

Your throat burned painfully as you eyed the floating bits in the toilet. It was two in the morning and you had stupidly ate the entire box of cereal bars. Changbin put the box in the studio for when they forgot to eat - which happened often - but none of them had really forgotten to eat recently so the box was full.

Jisung and Changbin didn’t forget to eat. You didn’t forget either - you purposely didn’t. You convinced the other two to go and rest while you worked, saying you’d grab something later. You never did.

Food was bad. It made you fat and hideous. Every single calorie that you consumed made you undesirable. Unwanted. Unlovable.

You hadn’t even realized you had done it until the fullness of your stomach kicked in your gag reflex. You stared down at the empty box and the mess of empty wrappers in horror. You stood quickly, crumbs cascading onto the floor like a rainstorm as you rushed to the bathroom. No one was at the company at this hour.

You didn’t even need to shove your fingers down your throat this time. Your stomach was rolling from the sudden influx of food and wanted the bars out as much as you did.

All you did was lean over the toilet and suddenly everything was coming back up.

It hurt, but not as badly as when you forced it. Your throat burned, and your stomach ached, but it was also empty. Empty was good, no matter how much pain followed.

You splashed some cold water on your face and went back to the studio. You saved what you were working on and decided to go back to the dorms a little early. You took the stairs. You walked back. You needed to burn the few calories your body managed to cling onto in the time it took you to throw everything up.

* * *

  
You looked at yourself in the mirror, tears running down your face. You knew you were fucked up, but you didn’t know how to get help. If you told anyone how you felt, thy would just say you looked fine. Say that you were overthinking. They would get frustrated at your constant need for validation. Their soft smiles would turn strained as you asked them to say you were going to be okay for the third time in a single meal. They would realize you were beyond fixing and they would leave you.

So you stayed quiet.

You knew you weren’t fat. A part of your brain register that you were a healthy weight. Registered that you were muscular and fit. But for some reason you were still fat. It wasn’t muscle that filled out your figure. It was nasty, ugly, unwanted fat that just wouldn’t go away no matter how much you worked out or starved.

You wanted a flat stomach, but instead you have bulges and bumps where there shouldn’t be any. You wanted slender arms, but yours were large and bulky. You wanted legs that were muscular and toned, not ones that jiggled when you walked like the walrus you were.

You wished you were like Minho. Minho’s legs were perfect. You wished you were like Felix, with his slim form and beautiful smile. You wished you were anyone other than you.

You were disgusting.

Your fingers trailed along your stomach and you grimaced. You hated yourself. Why couldn’t you be thin and small and slim and good. Why did you have to be big and fat and huge and bad?

“Chan?” Woojin’s voice called through the door. You jumped. You had forgotten you and the others had decided to shower together to save time and hot water. Woojin let himself in and started taking off his shirt. “Is something wrong?”

“Of course not.” You said quickly, looking away from the mirror and smiling at your friend. You knew your voice was strained, but you prayed Woojin didn’t notice.

“You did great tonight.” Woojin said casually as he turned the shower on. You had performed during a talk show that afternoon, and you felt like you hadn’t done well enough. The others could tell you were unhappy with your performance and tried to cheer you up as much as you would let them.

“You did better.” You grinned, hoping your smile didn’t look as fake as it felt.

“You’ve lost weight.” Woojin sounded like he was frowning. You couldn’t see him. Your back was to him as you washed yourself, quick as you possibly could. You needed to get out of there before Woojin noticed something was wrong.

You froze.

“Guess I’ll have to get extra helpings at dinner.” You laughed, but it felt so fake. So empty. Like you.

“Chan, if something's bothering you, you can come to me.” Woojin said carefully. You refused to look ar him. You knew what you’d see if you turned around. Woojin’s hair, plastered to his forehead. Woojin’s eyes, wide with concern. Woojin’s brow, furrowed with worry. Woojin - beautiful, handsome, perfect Woojin - looking distressed all because of you.

“I know,” You said softly, stepping out of the hot water and quickly wrapping yourself in a towel. The less time you spent being naked, the better. “If something was wrong, I would absolutely come to you.”

Woojin made a strange sound in the back of his throat, and if you weren’t too preoccupied with running away, maybe you would have considered how it sounded like one of his ‘I know you’re lying’ sounds that were almost always aimed at the younger members. But you didn’t realize this because you were already out the door.

* * *

  
“Hyung, I have a problem…” Seungmin came up to you one day when you were scrolling through your phone. You rarely had free time, but when you did you treasured it. This was one of the few moments you let yourself relax. Normally, when you had the chance, you were doing sit ups in your room or using the treadmills at the gym. You locked your phone and tapped the couch next to you. Seungmin sat down, his knees tight together as if he was uncomfortable. Why was he uncomfortable around you?

“What up Minnie?” You asked, wrapping an arm around Seungmin. He curled into your side, trying to be as small as possible. You knew he was trying to be small even if he didn’t realize what he was doing because you did the same thing.

“Do you think I’m ugly?” He whispered, and you felt your heart stop.

“Who said you were ugly?” You growled, holding him tighter. “I swear I’ll-”

“No one said anything,” he said quickly. “I just… I know that no one considers me a visual. Not even my own fans… they keep saying I’m cute, but it’s kind hard to believe them sometimes.”

“Seungmin, you’re so, so handsome,” You said, meaning it from the bottom of your heart. “You’re handsome and talented. Your voice is beautiful and your smile is literally so pretty I feel like my heart can’t handle it.”

“You’re supposed to say that,” Seungmin muttered, not looking at you. “You’re my hyung. You’re supposed to think I’m handsome.”

“Even if I wasn’t your hyung, you’d still be handsome and talented and loveable. Your worth isn’t determined by what others value you at. Your worth is determined by you and you alone. You determine your own worth through the skills you build and the confidence you gain and the memories you collect.”

Seungmin was silent for a moment.

“Do you think if I lost some weight, they’d like me more?” He whispered. You felt your blood freeze in your veins. You didn’t notice Seungmin staring up at you with a look that didn’t quite match his tone. His eyes, instead of sad and glassy, were calculating and careful. You didn’t notice this though.

“Seungmin, I’m going to be serious for a second so listen carefully,” Your words sounded far away. “You and the others… none of you can afford to lose any more weight. If it were up to me, you’d all be eating more. Trust me when I say being healthy is the best look you could ever have. Plus, the fans love it when you have round cheeks,” You smiled at Seungmin and pinched his cheek gently. Seungmin scowled a little bit didn’t make a move to bat your hand away. “Listen to hyung when he says you don’t need to lose a single ounce to be handsome.”

“If you say so.” Seungmin looked away.

“I love you Minnie,” You nuzzled his cheek and placed a soft kiss to his nose. “You’re absolutely perfect.”

“Thanks hyung.” He said, hugging you tightly before standing.”I’ll see if I can eat some more.”

“Good.” You grinned, and for the first time in what feels like years, the smile felt genuine. Seungmin smiled, but it seemed strained. Before you could question it, he was gone.

How badly did you fail him that he was thinking the same way you did? How could you have let him down so badly? You failed him. You were supposed to be his leader, but he was thinking the same thoughts you were. He was in the same dark, unforgivable place you were. You needed to find a way to get him out of that place before it destroys him.

Like it’s destroying you now.

You didn’t hear the whispering coming from the hall. You didn’t notice your name being mentioned. You didn’t sense the worry radiating through the dorm. You didn’t hear the hushed ‘we were right’ followed by a near silent sob.

* * *

  
You wanted to cry. God, you felt like absolute shit but you couldn’t let anyone know. You hadn’t eaten yet, and you actually were planning on doing it for once. You normally tried to eat something before dance practices so you didn’t pass out, but you slept in somehow. Now your vision was swimming and your stomach was cramping and your head was pounding and you couldn’t let anyone know.

It felt like you were in an airplane. Your ears hurt like there was a pressure change but you were just in the practice room like usual. You bit the inside of your cheek, hoping the sudden pain would ground you a little.

You tasted blood and heaved. Metal on an empty stomach was never a good idea. You heaved again, hoping it would stop before anyone noticed.

They noticed.

You felt something cool shoved into your hands as you heaved again. Nothing came up but some red tinged stomach acid. You spit it into the trashcan that someone had handed you and grimaced. You set the trashcan aside and reached for your water bottle, ignoring how badly your hands were shaking.

They were shaking so badly you spilled some water on your shirt. Your shirt that once sat so snug against your chest but now sagged away from your body.

“Hyung, you need to rest for a minute.” Minho said, crouching in front of you.

“Nah, I have to practice.” You ground out, your own voice sounding tinny in your ears. Minho frowned.

“I’m not letting you practice,” He said, handing you an apple. You wanted to refuse, but your body screamed for something - anything - to be put in it. You took the apple and tried to pace yourself as you bit into it. “Can you watch us and give us notes? It’s hard to know what we’re doing wrong when we can’t see ourselves.”

You nod. You were grateful that you could still be useful, even if you were pathetic enough that you couldn’t dance. You watched them get into their starting positions and couldn’t help but notice how perfect they all looked in their own ways. Changbin was muscular but didn’t look fat, like you did. Even Jisung was starting to bulk up. None of them looked like you. You stood out painfully when you were with the others. How could anyone love you when they were so much better?

You felt your stomach cramp from how fast you ate the apple. You were so fucking hungry, and the apple wasn’t enough but it was also too much. Fruit had too much sugar. Vegetables were okay, as long as they were raw. You should have packed some vegetables to eat so no one would mention your lack of meals. You didn’t want anyone to worry.

“Hyung, did you hear that?” Jeongin asked. You looked up, realizing that someone had asked you a question, but you didn’t know who or what they said.

“What?” You said stupidly. God you were so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid-

“Is it okay if we go back?” Changbin repeated. “Seungminnie’s back is getting sore.”

“No it’s not,” Seungmin shot back quickly. “I’m fine. Bin hyung is making it up.”

“You hesitated in the chorus. You only do that when your back is starting to hurt.” Minho pointed out, and Seungmin looked away.

“Yeah. Let’s head home.” You said, standing up quickly and the room spun. You would have landed heavily if arms hadn’t firmly wrapped around you and held you upright. You blinked, trying to clear the spots dancing in your vision.

Woojin didn’t say anything as you leaned against his side. He helped you to the van, sticking you in between him and Felix. They both sat close to you, letting their warmth lull you into a mock sleep.

* * *

  
You wanted to be touched, but you were afraid. You spend your teenage years training, so you never really had time to devote to relationships. When other trainees were messing around with each other, you were working overtime.

They told you about the kisses under the stairs and the times they silently fucked in the dorm bathroom, but you never joined in the conversation. You wanted someone to touch you. Wanted someone to trail their fingers across your skin and make your breath catch and coax breathless moans from your lips, but you would never be able to let yourself be that vulnerable around someone.

You bit your lip as you moved your hand faster. You only had so much time alone in the shower before someone came knocking on the door. You were lucky enough that the others let you take long showers - perks of being the leader you guessed.

Your body was on fire, and the burning from the shower was only fueling it. You didn’t know who you were imagining, but their hands were warm and firm and moved along your body like you were something to be treasured. You bit back a moan as you came, your hand being coated in even more warmth before instantly being washed off.

You were left feeling even emptier than before. You remembered when touching yourself left you feeling satisfied, and you remembered how people would describe the post orgasmic glow, but that’s not how you felt. Not anymore. You felt hollow and a little dirty.

You washed your body, closing your eyes and trying not to let your hand touch your skin. You hated how you felt under your fingers, all taunt and wide and hideous.

Turning off the water, you could hear the others talking in the other room but couldn’t understand what they were saying. You were too tired to try and listen. You’ve been tired a lot lately. You’ve been exhausted a lot recently. You’ve been so, so bone tired that even opening your eyes was a task every morning. Sometimes you wished they just… wouldn’t anymore.

You went to your room, not locking the door. You didn’t notice the door opening behind you. You had just tugged your sweatpants up over your hips - over your hip bones that were just starting to show a little more and you couldn’t be happier to lay on your back and let your fingers trail over them.

“Chris?” Felix asked. Hearing your native language made you jump a little. It felt as though you never really spoke in English anymore. Even Felix would speak Korean more often than not. It was as if your native language was leaving you. Abandoning you all together.

“Hey Lix,” Your voice cracked. You held back a grimace. “What’s up?”

“You’re a great leader.” The younger boy said. You felt your stomach drop.

“Hehe, thanks Lix.” You said awkwardly. Why was he complimenting you? You didn’t deserve it.

“No, seriously. You’re the only reason we’re here right now,” He moved closer to you and you forced yourself to stay put. You wanted to back away. You didn’t want him to get too close, because then he’d see how flawed you were. “You’re amazing.”

“Felix…” You were uncomfortable.

“And you’re really handsome too,” Felix smiled at you and you felt your stomach churn. Now he was just lying to your face. “Don’t give me that look. You are. You have one of the prettiest smiles we’ve ever seen.”

“We?”

“Me and the others,” Felix’s smile softened. You wanted to leave. “Sometimes we talk about how cute you are.”

“Lix…” You didn’t know what to say. Part of you knew you should say thank you and let the conversation end, but another part of you wanted to snap at him. Wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up because he has no idea what he’s talking about. He has no idea that every single thing out of his perfect mouth was a filthy lie.

“Ah, I left my food in the microwave,” Felix said, glancing out the door. “I made extra. Share with me?”

“I shouldn’t-” You stopped when you saw the pleading look in his big, shining eyes. You felt a stab through your chest. “Alright.” You caved, and Felix grinned. You didn’t deserve him. You didn’t deserve any of them.

* * *

  
“Can I sleep with you?” Woojin asked quickly. Changbin was already passed out, dead to the world until his alarm went off - he trained himself to only wake up to a very specific sound. You didn’t bother pretending to wake up. You and Woojin both knew you were already awake. Your stomach was hurting and was keeping you up, and you had ran out of sleeping pills a few nights before.

“Of course.” You moved over to make room. He slid into the bed and instantly pulled you into his arms. You wanted to resist - you didn’t want to make him touch your disgusting body. Didn’t want him to feel your imperfections.

Didn’t want him to become as disgusted with you are you are with yourself.

“You’re getting too skinny.” Woojin whispered and you felt a spark of pride.

“Really?” You should have masked the joy in your voice a little better. Woojin tensed.

“It’s not a good thing,” he murmured. “It’s scary. It’s scary watching you waste away.”

“I’m not-” You tried to pull away but he was holding you too firmly.

“You are. You’re losing muscle so fast manager hyung was worried you were sick. Even JYP was asking if you were okay.”

“I’m fine.” You whisper, trying to hold back tears.

“It’s okay to not be okay.” Woojin placed a kiss to your forehead and you wanted to run. He was too good to be near you.

“I am okay though.”

“It’s okay to rely on us.” Woojin shifted. You closed your eyes tightly because even though the lights were out, the moon was still streaming into the room and you knew you would be able to see the concern in Woojin’s beautiful eyes. He was so pretty. You were so disgusting next to him.

“I-” You were cut off by lips on yours. You wanted to pull back, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. His mouth was so warm and soft on yours. You couldn’t remember the last time someone kissed you. You melted into his arms, trembling as he kissed you again and again. His hands drifted down to your waist but didn’t go any farther. Didn’t try to lift your shirt. Didn’t try to touch your ass or between your legs.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against your lips and a shiver went down your spine. You didn’t mean to, but a tear ran down your face. “You’re so amazing baby. I’m so proud of you. You’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen.”

“Woojin…” You don’t mean to sound so broken. You were shaking as his arms looped tighter around you.

“My pretty baby boy,” His lips brushed against yours, touching but not quite kissing. You sobbed, moving to bury your face in his chest. “My strong, talented prince. I’m so lucky you’re in my life.”

“Stop…” You whimpered pathetically. That’s all you could do. Be pathetic. You knew it. Everyone else knew it. Why didn’t Woojin know it?

“You’re so strong. You’ve been working so hard and I’m so, so proud of you,” Woojin pressed kisses across your cheeks and nose. You trembled harder. “And you’re so handsome. So fucking handsome I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s hard to believe you’re even real sometimes. So pretty and kind and talented. You can’t be real. You’re perfect.”

“I’m not perfect,” You sobbed. His hands rubbed your back. “I’m awful. I’m- I’m fucking disgusting. I’m a fat, ugly piece of shit and I don’t know why you even put up with me-”

“There’s no putting up with anyone,” Woojin cut you off. You continued to cry. “We’re so lucky to have you in our lives. You’re such an amazing leader and such a wonderful hyung. The kids really look up to you. They think you’re absolutely fantastic.”

“I’m not. I’m not, I’m a fucking failure,” You didn’t even know what was dribbling out of your mouth at this point. “I’m a worthless failure. No one could love me. I’m not good enough for anything. I deserve it all.”

“What do you think you deserve?” Woojin asked gently. You were too emotionally gone to realize you were spilling the exact secrets you worked so hard to hide.

“I deserve to starve,” You curled into yourself, your stomach hurting. “I’m fat and disgusting. I want to be pretty and thin but I’m not! I’m bumpy and gross and I want someone to love me but I’m so fucking scared they’ll see how worthless I am and leave me and I’d deserve that too.”

“You’re not ugly,” Woojin sounded choked up. “God, you’re literally one of the most gorgeous people I’ve ever seen in my life. You’re ethereal. Your smile is angelic. You’re so pretty it almost hurts.”

“Stop lying.” You ground out.

“I’d never lie to you.” Woojin kissed the top of your head.

“You’re l-lying.”

“I love you,” He whispered, not swayed at all by your pleas to stop. “So much. We all do. We love you so much. We’d be devastated if anything happened to you.”

“I’m bad. Bad, bad, bad. Badbadbadbadbad-”

“You’re amazing, and wonderful, and kind,” Woojin drowned out your whispers with compliments. “Pretty. You’re so, so pretty. You’re the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m not pretty.”

“You’re so, so pretty.”

You wanted to fight back but you were so tired of fighting. You wanted to be comforted. It was so lonely, holding everything in. Being alone even when you were surrounded by people you considered family. It was so lonely and you were tired of being alone. You let Woojin whisper comforts into your hair as you fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

You pushed him away. You didn’t want to be alone but you’d rather be alone than put him through this again. This is all you ever did. Hurt people.

“Come on Chan, let’s go lay down.” Woojin whispered and pulled you close again.

“I’m sorry.” Your throat burned. Your eyes burned. You loved the feeling of his large, warm hands on your stomach. You hated the feeling of his perfect, soft hands on your stomach. He didn’t let you pull away.

“You don’t have to apologize,” He kissed your forehead. “I’m always going to be here, even when you don’t think I should be.”

You whimpered, biting back your thoughts that begged to spill from chapped lips. You felt so guilty. You had been complaining to him to often, making him feel guilty and pity you and manipulating him into staying with you like the sick person you are-

“What are you thinking?” Woojin asked, tugging you down onto the bed and adjusting your small frame so you were leaning against him. You fit better in his arms now that your were getting thinner. You liked how you fit in his arms. Like you belonged there. You finally belonged somewhere.

“I don’t deserve you,” You hated how much your chest hurt. “I’m pathetic. After everything you do for me, all I do in return is cry and complain. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. You don’t deserve the bullshit I always put you through.”

“You deserve the best and nothing but the best,” Woojin said patiently. He was always so patient with you. How long until his patience runs out and he snaps at you? “I’m not going to lose my patience with you. I never will. You can talk to me about anything.”

“I shouldn’t be upset every fucking night,” You ground out, trying not to cry. You failed. Heat soaked into your shirt as Woojin’s arms wrapped around your waist. “I’m so sorry I keep dragging you down. I don’t want to feel this way anymore but it won’t stop. I should be happy, but I’m not...”

“You’re not dragging me down, I promise,” He kisses your shoulder and you jump. His lips were soft and warm on your skin and you desperately wanted to know how those lips would feel pressed against other parts of your body but you instantly shot that thought down. Woojin would be disgusted if he saw you naked. He would never want to sleep with you. “You don’t have to pretend to be happy. You’re allowed to be upset. I love you so much Chan. You’re the light of my life.”

“I’m not.” You hated arguing but you hated the compliments even more. They were lies, lies, lies, LIES-

“You’re so beautiful Chris.” Woojin wasn’t deterred. He never was, no matter how much you fought, no matter how much you denied his sweet words, no matter how often you refused to listen to him. He never stopped trying to convince you that he loved you, even though you wished he would. Then you wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore.

“Why don’t you hate me?” You whisper, so quietly he didn’t even hear you.

“I love you baby boy.” Woojin kissed your cheek. You never wanted him to stop. You wanted him to stop wasting his time on you.

God you were a hypocrite.

* * *

  
His fingers trailed down your back and you couldn’t stop shaking. Woojin whispered compliments as he kissed along your jaw. The others rigged their game of chance so you and he would room together in the hotel, and you wanted to be grateful but at the moment all you could focus on was how hard you were shaking.

Oh god he was touching you. He was going to feel all the disgusting rolls and fat coating your body and he was going to hate you-

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” He pulled back, his pupils wide with want. He wanted you, but why? What could be possibly find attractive about you? You wanted to shake your head no. You wanted to nod your head yes. God you wanted this so badly. You’ve been dreaming of his hands on your body, waking up with dirty boxers and an empty feeling that just got emptier when you lied to the others by telling them you already ate. It was the empty feeling that never went away. You wanted him to fill the empty feeling any way he could.

“Chris,” Woojin pulled back more and you were instantly freezing. He took all the warmth in the world with him. “I need to hear you say what you want.”

“Please.” You whispered, shaking harder. Did you really want it? Were you ready to scare Woojin off for good?

“Please what kitten?”

“Please touch me.” You wanted it so badly but you were afraid. The last time anyone got even close to seeing you naked was when you lifted your shirt up on stage, and since then you’ve changed. Your stomach no longer bumped, but instead concave in. Your hip bones were so apparent that there was a gap between the waistband of your pants and your stomach. You loved it, but you knew the others would find it worrying. You knew you were losing weight, and you wished you could lose more but you also knew the others would be upset so you hid it. You wore sweatshirt and baggy t’s and never let anyone see you remotely vulnerable. You didn’t want anyone to worry. You were already a burden on them.

“Anything for you angel.” Woojin grinned brightly and you felt your heart flip. God, he was so beautiful. Everything about him was perfect and you knew you weren’t worthy of his attention or time. He could have picked anyone in the world, so why did he settle for you?

“God you’re beautiful.” You whispered as he kissed down your neck. You felt him hum happily at the compliment and nipped at your shoulder. He knew he couldn’t leave marks on your skin but that didn’t stop him from wanting to. His teeth trailed on your neck, sucking gently to leave the lightest of flowers.

Woojin took of his shirt, throwing it off to the side. You stared at him in wonder. He was… beautiful. His chest was tanned and toned. His shoulders were wide and strong and god he made you feel so small and safe when he held you. You felt a surge of confidence and bit where his neck connected to his shoulder. He growled and picked you up easily, as if you were weightless, and placed you down on the bed.

“I love you so much.” He said into your mouth as he kissed you. Your hand came up to rest on his chest and you could feel his heartbeat speeding up under your fingers. He leaned over you more, something nudging your thigh. You couldn’t help but gasp a little as he ground down onto you.

You always thought he was lying, when he called you handsome and desirable and sexy, but seeing his physical reaction to kissing and touching you…

He couldn’t lie about that, right?

“Can I take your shirt off?” He asked carefully. You felt your cheeks warm at how careful he was being with you.

“I-”

“You don’t have to love,” He backtracked, kissing you gently. “Tonight is about you.”

“I want to…” You hesitated but took your shirt off anyway. You laid back on the bed and closed your eyes tight. You knew he was looking at you.

“You’re so fucking perfect,” Woojin said, shocking you a little. You didn’t open your eyes as he kissed along your chest, nipping gently against your pec and stomach. He kissed your stomach softly, right next to your belly button. His lips were burning against your skin. “You’re gorgeous. Fucking beautiful… you’re so, so pretty.”

You whimpered as his hands held your hips as he marked your chest in the way he wasn’t allowed to do with your neck. You felt so pathetic next to him. He was glorious, and you were a bouquet of flaws. He was beautiful and muscular and perfect and next to him you were nothing, worthless, unwanted-

“Chris, baby. Look at me.” Woojin whispered. You opened your eyes and realized you were crying. He was looking at you with love and concern and god you did not deserve any of his love or concern or attention at all. He smiled when you locked eyes and leaned in to kiss you. You didn’t think you could ever grow tired of his kisses.

“Woojin are you sure you want to do this?” You asked, trying to stop crying and failing. You hated how you couldn’t stop crying. You hated how you couldn’t stop shaking. You hated that you couldn’t give him everything he deserved.

“I want to make you feel good,” He nipped at your neck and your eyes rolled back a little as a small moan slipped past swollen lips. “I want to hear what pretty sounds come from your pretty mouth. I want to taste you Chris. You’re so perfect. I bet you taste good too.”

“I’m not-”

“You’re gorgeous,” Woojin said it like a prayer. “You’re beautiful Chris.”

“Woojin please touch me.” You gasp, feeling like your skin was on fire.

“Anything for you princess.” Woojin tugged at your gym shorts. He didn’t comment on how tightly tied they were, or how small your thighs had gotten. The second your pants were gone and you were exposed completely, you curled in on yourself. The only time you had ever been fully naked in front of someone was showering, but this was something completely different - something too exposed and too scary.

Woojin’s hand was even warmer and gentler on your skin than you imagined. He kneeled in front of you and took you into his mouth. You threw your head back and moaned loudly, your thighs coming in around his head. Those large hands you loved so much forced your legs apart and held them in place as he bobbed his head. You felt your mind swim as fire built in your belly. Sounds and whimpers dripped from your mouth as you writhed on the sheets. Your bangs stuck to your forehead and you wanted to thrust up into the heat surrounding you but a hand on your hip stopped you. You loved how easily he could use you. He could easily break you, but he wouldn’t. Even if you deserved it.

Woojin sucked hard before releasing you with a pop. You cried out at the loss of the heat, more tears working their way from your eyes.

“I need you to relax love,” Woojin said, coating his fingers. “I want to make you feel good, but it’ll hurt if you tense up.”

“It’s going to hurt?” The fog in your mind cleared in an instant, your eyes popping open. You looked at him in fear and he rubbed your hip comfortingly.

“It’ll be uncomfortable for a little bit but I promise it’ll feel good.” He said, hesitating.

“Okay,” You whispered, closing your eyes again. You didn’t want to see Woojin’s perfection anywhere near you. You’d just taint him. Ruin him. “I trust you.”

His finger slipped into you and you couldn’t help but whine and try to arch away from his touch. He whispered more comforts into your ear as he worked you open. You kind of wanted this to stop, so you could dress in ten layers and curl into a ball and never let Woojin see you be so pathetic again, but at the same time you realized Woojin was right. It did feel good.

He took his time preparing you, his touches gentle and caring. He made sure to be as thorough as possible, making sure you weren’t in any pain.

“Woojin please-” You begged, wanting something more that just Woojin’s fingers.

“A little more princess,” Woojin kissed you as his fingers kept moving. “I don’t want you to be in any pain.”

“I think I’m ready.” You whimpered. It felt weird when he took his fingers out but something bigger pressed against you. He pressed against you, and his weight pressing down on you was comforting, and he kissed you deeply as he pushed in.

You cried out but he kissed it away instantly. He went slowly, stopping and letting you adjust before pushing in more. By the time he bottomed out you were a mess. You felt so full that you were about to rip in two but it felt good. He slowly started to thrust and you clenched your eyes shut tight.

Your back arched and his arms snaked around your thin waist to hold your hips up. You could feel your hip bones digging into his when he pushed all the way into you.

“You’re so amazing,” He groaned into your neck. “God you feel so good. Fuck Chris you’re so beautiful.”

“Ah, shit-” You moaned. His fingers dug into your hips and the pain shooting up your sides just added to everything. You were so overwhelmed, but Woojin’s hand on you kept you grounded. You tried to hold on for a long as possible but you knew you were going to finish way before Woojin. You came with a sob, coating your stomachs.

He buried his face in your neck and chased his own orgasm, quickly filling you with heat and stilling in you. He groaned as he pulled out, the heat dripping between your legs as he pulled you into a gentle kiss.

“I love you.” He whispered breathlessly. You wanted to say you loved him, but you couldn’t. You sobbed and he instantly sat up, his face lined with worry.

“I’m sorry…” You cried, trying to pull away from him. The heat between your legs was quickly cooling and it made you feel disgusting. More so than you usually do.

“Are you okay? Did it hurt?” Woojin sat up completely, his hands fluttering around you as if he was afraid to touch you. “Chris? What’s wrong?”

You just sobbed harder. You curled onto your side, the cooling heat sticking to your bare thighs. You tried to cover your face, but Woojin was trying to get you to talk to him.

“I’m sorry I’m so awful,” You cried, trying to hide your face as much as you could. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.”

“What are you talking about?” He sounded close to tears. “You’re amazing Chris-”

“No! I’m so fucking fat and I came too soon and you’re going to hate me because I’m pathetic and stupid-”

“Chris, no,” Woojin pulled you into his lap and rocked you gently, petting your hair to calm you down. “You’re beautiful. You didn’t come too early. I could never hate you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Shit that’s not what I- Chris, please don’t think that,” He held you tightly and you craved the support. “I love you so much I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Was I okay?” Your voice trembled. You wanted him to love you so badly.

“Oh love, you were amazing,” You shook at the praise. “You were so pretty spread out on the bed under me, and the sounds you made were gorgeous. Chris you’re so perfect.”

“I’m sorry for messing everything up.”

“You didn’t mess anything up.”

“I started crying and ruined the mood-”

“Love, you didn’t ruin anything,” Woojin carefully rubbed your back. “It’s normal to be emotional after sex. That’s why aftercare is so important. I’d never let anything bad happen to you. Let’s go wash you up, okay?”

You didn’t say anything. He turned the shower on and made the water just the way you liked it. He held you gently as he wiped you down but you couldn’t feel his touches. All you could think about was the spike of pain. It had made you feel. You wanted to feel again. He said something but you didn’t hear it. He took you back to the room and helped you get dressed. He pulled you to the clean bed.

“I love you.” He whispered as he tucked you into his arms. You didn’t say anything.

* * *

  
You glared at your bowl. You didn’t know the exact number and you couldn’t bring yourself to eat it. If you didn’t know, you’d panic and have to get it out.

“Hyung, you’ve barely touched your dinner.” Jisung murmured. He looked at you pointedly and your stomach flipped. He knew, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him everything was fine because it wasn’t.

“Not hungry.” Lies, lies, lies. Your stomach begged for food. You hunched your shoulders when your stomach cramped in hunger. Please, don’t let anyone notice.

“I can hear your stomach growling,” The younger rapper whispered, pushing the bowl closer to you. You wanted to recoil but you knew that would be to obvious.

Your stomach burned. There was a wildfire scorching your guts and you drained your water to quench it. The fire dulled, replacing the burning pain with a dull, throbbing pain. Jisung frowned. You stood and your head spun. Your stomach hurt even more.

“Hyung-”

“Bathroom.” You said quickly, leaving the kitchen before anyone else could stop you. You locked the door behind you and knelt in front of the toilet. You knew you weren’t going to throw up, but there was something soothing about being in such a familiar position. You heaved but nothing came out so you sat on your side. Your cheek rested on the edge of the tub, the chilled porcelain painfully icy against your flushed skin.

You were freezing, but you could feel the sweat dripping down your face. Oh god, were you dying? Were you finally dying?

Did you want to die?

Yeah, you kinda did.

You were tired of being a burden. Of being a worthless, pathetic piece of shit. After sleeping with Woojin, you craved the pain again but were too afraid of hurting yourself.

Especially because you were too weak to keep it a secret. You knew the second you placed a cut on your skin, you’d break and cry to Woojin. You knew how he’d react too - he’d kiss you and bandage you up and tell you how amazing you are and you didn’t deserve that sort of praise. Especially not after doing something so awful.

“Chris? Are you okay?” Woojin knocked on the door and your heart stopped. “Love?”

“I’m okay,” You called back, your voice weaker than you wanted it to be. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“I’m coming in.” Woojin jiggled the doorknob. You remembered the lock was broken - that anyone could open it if they jiggled it just right - just as the door swung open. Woojin closed the door after him and knelt down next to you. He pulled you into his lap and he was so, so warm. How could one person be so damn warm all the time? You loved how warm he was. You’ve been so cold lately. It was like you could never get warm no matter how many layers you hide behind or how many blankets you suffocated yourself with.

“I’m okay.” Your voice cracked.

“I’m here for you love,” He rocked you a little, humming something comforting as he rubbed your back. “Did you eat too much?”

“Didn’t eat,” You mumbled, feeling your throat close up. You didn’t want to cry anymore. You were tired of crying. You were so tired of everything. “Belly hurts.”

“I know love,” Woojin sounded sad. It was all your fault. “Let’s go lay down. I can rub your stomach if it’ll help.”

“Please?” You sounded pathetic, even to your own ears.

“Come on pup, let’s go cuddle. We can eat later.” Woojin picked you up. He didn’t comment on how light you were, but you could hear the sound of distress he made when he almost threw you. He hadn’t expected you to be quite as thin as you were.

You shouldn’t have felt proud of that.

He placed you on the bed and pulled you onto his lap. His hands slipped under your shirt and gently rubbed your stomach. His palm was so warm against your prominent ribs. You were so afraid he was going to say something. You wished he would say something.

You wanted to get better, but you didn’t. You were a walking contradiction. You wanted someone to notice, but you didn’t want to have to be the one to bring it up. You wanted them to notice. Wanted them to care enough.

You felt safe with Woojin. You felt warm and loved and even though you didn’t deserve it, you took all he offered you like a dry sponge.

“I’m worried about you.” He whispered, just as you were about to drift off to sleep.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered back. You really were. You never wanted to bother him, but that’s all you ever did.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” He kissed the top of your head. He didn’t comment on how your hair was thinning. “You can’t help it.”

But you could. You could just eat normally. Just ignore the thoughts. Just pretend you didn’t feel pathetic and worthless. Instead, you let things get worse and worse. You starved. You purged. You cried and craved pain. You continue to hurt the people that loved you because you were stupid and selfish. You continued to hurt yourself this way because, in the end, you wanted to hurt. You deserved what you were putting yourself through.

You cried yourself to sleep, not believing a single word of praise that slipped so easily from Woojin’s perfect lips.

* * *

  
“I’m just going to grab my-” Jeongin stopped dead. You feel time stop as you turned to look at the youngest. He was staring at you with confusion and… horror. You pulled your fingers from your mouth, pretending the mess in the toilet didn’t look exactly like the meal you had just finished eating together. You flushed the mess.

“I was just finishing up.” You said, your voice raspy. It was always raspy after purging. You knew it was affecting your singing, but you couldn’t stop.

“H-hyung what were you doing?” Jeongin asked, not letting you walk past him.

“Felt a little off after dinner.” The lie slipped so easily from your rotten mouth. How easily you betrayed them, the ones that looked up to you. That trusted you. You were a vile person. Jeongin’s eyes turned glassy.

“You were making yourself throw up,” He whispered, his words only shaking a little. Your heart stopped.

“It’s fine, Innie.” You wanted him to believe you, but how could he believe you when you didn’t even believe yourself?

“The others were right.” He refused to look at you. You didn’t blame him. You were hideous.

“About what?”

“You’re dying.” He finally looked at you, tears rolling down his face. You felt like he had punched you right in the stomach.

“I’m not dying Jeongin-” You tried to reach out and comfort him but he pulled away. You flinched back and held your own hand against your chest. You hadn’t realized your fingers were still bleeding from where they caught on your front teeth.

“I didn’t want to believe them, but they were right,” He sobbed and you felt something in your chest crack in two. “Look at you! You’re a skeleton!”

“Skeleton,” You scoffed a little. As if. You were far from being a skeleton. You were covered in fat. Every inch of your body was covered in the disgusting stuff no matter how hard you tried. You were still… soft, and you hated it. “I wish.”

“N-no! You shouldn’t wish! Can you even see what you’re doing to yourself?” Jeongin was yelling now. You could hear footsteps.

This was all wrong. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to see. No one was supposed to understand. Faces peered in through the doorframe, but no one seemed surprised. Just sad.

It was all your fault.

“It’s complicated,” You tried to keep your tone level but it came out harsh. “You wouldn’t understand-”

“I think I understand more than you want to believe.” Jeongin said icily. You blinked at him.

“What-?”

“Jeongin, let me handle this.” Woojin was the only one to enter the bathroom. The youngest looked like he was going to protest before scowling and running. Seungmin and Hyungjin raced after him.

“Woojin, it’s not what it looks like-” You desperately tried to say, but your words were drowned out by your own sobs.

“It’s okay baby,” Woojin whispered softly. “I’m here.”

“I’m fine.”

“It’s alright to not be alright.” Jisung said, his arms wrapping around you. You sobbed harder.

“You don’t have to do this alone.” Changbin wormed his way in to hug you too.

“You can beat this.” Minho ran his fingers through your hair. You cried harder.

“We’re here for you, no matter what.” Felix took your hand, his little fingers lacing through your boney ones. You thought you were going to break a rib with how hard you were crying. It hurt so much. Your stomach, your chest, your head. Your heart.

“I can’t stop it,” you forced out between sobs. “I’m not strong enough. I want to give up.”

“You’re so strong,” Woojin kissed your forehead. “I’m so proud of you.”

“We’re going to help you, okay hyung?” Jisung wiped your cheeks with his sleeve.

“You don’t have to do this alone.” Changbin’s voice wavered.

“It hurts.” You whimpered, tears still streaming down your gaunt face.

“I know love,” Woojin sounded like he was in pain too. It was all your fault. “But it’ll be okay. We’re going to get through this.”

“No, no, no-”

“But first, we need a nap.” Woojin lifted you easily. He carried you to the living room, where Minho and Felix quickly moved the couch. They made a makeshift bed on the ground as Woojin kissed your cheeks, your nose, your lips. As soon as you were laying down, Woojin’s chest warming you, you realized how exhausted you were.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered. Seungmin, Jeongin and Hyungin came back and settled into the dogpile with you and the rest.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Woojin’s voice vibrated through his chest into yours.

“I’m sorry I let it get this bad,” Your eyes started to burn again. How did you still have tears? “And for not trying to get better.”

“Angel, I could see you trying every damn day. Don’t you dare put yourself down like that,” Woojin held you close to his chest. “I know how hard it’s been, and I’m so proud of you. I’ve watched you try to eat and I know how hard it is. You don’t have to do it alone anymore. We’re going to help you, okay? Start small. Small meals, belly rubs if you eat too much. Does that sound good? Belly rubs?”

You curled into his warmth and nodded. It did sound good. Woojin gave the best belly rubs.

“We love you hyung.” Jisung whispered from behind you.

“You’re not alone.”

You cried, for all the pain you put them through. For all the pain you put yourself through. For the hours and days and weeks and months you’ve wasted feeding into this illness that’s stealing away your life. For all the moments you gave up. For all the movie nights you missed and for all the late night snacks you rejected. You cried for them, who must have felt so helpless watching you fade away, and for yourself who you failed most of all.

And yet your tears were happy, because you realized something. You actually wanted to get better. You were tired of being dizzy and cold and sick all the time. You were tired of your hair falling out and of having to lie. God you were tired of lying.

You fell asleep with your members around you, all of them touching you in some way - a hand on your arm, a foot pressed against your calf. Your stomach still hurt, and your head was pounding from crying, but starting tomorrow that pain was going to lessen little by little.

“Love you.” You whispered, just before sleep claimed you. The last thing you felt was Woojin’s smile against your lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell if the repetition sounded poetic like I meant it to, or just stupid. This is heavily based off my own thoughts, and that's how my brain sounds. Repetition after repetition, like a little record in my mind telling me things that I've already engraved into my very being. 
> 
> I left the ending kind of open. I wasn't planning on writing more than two chapters but if anyone wants more I can write more about Chris' recovery? For anyone following my other stories, I'm hoping to post the next chapter of Cavities sometime tomorrow.
> 
> On another note, I kinda like how the not-smut scene came out. It was soft, focusing more on Chris' emotions rather than than the nasty bits, if that makes any sense. idk it just felt kinda poetic to me haha

**Author's Note:**

> Me?? Venting?? And taking it out on my bias??? Unheard of honestly.
> 
> Chan's thought might seem a little scattered in this, but this is how my own thoughts tend to sound. It's definitely a different style of writing for me. I've noticed I usually use long sentences and fancy wording rather than the short, choppy sentences here but it felt natural to write it this way if that makes any sense? 
> 
>  
> 
> But yeah I feel like ~gArbaGe~ and want to die so here we are. I want to lose weight but it's so damn hard. I go out for walks every day and only eat one meal a day and the scale barely inches down but the second I give in and eat two meals? I'm up two pounds in a single day. My goal was to lose 90lbs before the end of summer but at this point it seems hopeless. Everyone says 90lbs is too much, but I want to be pretty damnit.


End file.
